Trev here. International handmodel. kulula’s travel blogger extraordinairee. And most recently, local weblebrity. And I’m here to light up your winter fire with these holiday package specials from kulula.com.

Check, from R999 you can get
-    2 nights accommodation at the Protea Hotels in Sea Point, Tygervalley, Stellenbosch (Western Cape) or Protea Hotel Karriden (Durban)
-   return flights from Joburg or Lanseria to Cape Town / Durbs
-  Car rental from J Group with standard insurance cover

Let’s just see what we are dealing with here:

So what are you waiting for? Best you click here to pick up one of these sweet deals before they’re all sold out.

The legal stuff:

Excludes 10th June – 12 July 2010 (for obvious reasons)
Must fly Thursday or Saturday for Cape Town Packages
Specific flight times are applicable for the R999 packages
Should you wish to fly outside of these times, flight supplements will be incurred
Packages are available until 30th August 2010

Destination: Protea Fire & Ice, New Church and Victoria Street, Cape Town
Stars: ***

When you hear the words Fire & Ice, you think extremes. Well let me tell you, this is an extremely exciting hotel experience. From its extreme name to its extremely exciting lighting, I haven’t been this stimulated by a hotel since that smash hit came out a few years ago about a hotel in California. From the moment I walked in and, was greeted by a friendly suspended pod chair, I knew I was in for one crazy ride.

Every which way you turn in this restaurant, you are greeted with a fiddly little surprise. Why, while I was eating my breakfast, I was amazed to see Khoi fish swimming past the window, which I assumed to be some form of CGI. When I enquired as to whom the hotel’s effects guy is, I was informed that the fish are actually real! I gave the concierge a tip for delivering this piece of extremely exciting information.

When it comes to the cuisine that is on offer, The Fire and Ice hotel really gets the concept of a milkshake. Scoff not, for finding this skill in a hotel is like finding a Sandton Princess at Ronnie’s Sex Shop, ie. one in a seven-hundred thousand and five.

Now, I am not a smoker per se, but I can appreciate a joke about a smoker’s expenses. No doubt you will chuckle your bits off at the coffin chairs where you can seat your smokey bum and puff away to your heart’s contentment, while being reminded of your fate. It is this kind of attention to detail that warms my healthy, non-smoker heart.

To get in on the extreme action that is a stay at the Protea Fire & Ice in Long Street from R2 115.00 per person sharing, click here and you can experience the following:

2 nights accommodation
Return flights  JNB / CPT / JNB
2 Day’s standard Group J car with 200 kms free
Valid until 31 / 05 / 2010

I never know what kind of assignment I’m going to get from kulula. Sometimes I am tasked to travel all over South Africa, meeting interesting people, exchanging tales around camp fires, fending off mozzies and zef bras. And sometimes I just get sent to a pleasant hotel where I must enjoy myself. It’s a hard life, I know.

So this weekend saw me chilling at the Garden Court Eastern Boulevard Hotel, which is a rock’s chuck away from the city, very convenient if you’re in Cape Town for Cape Town, if you catch my sand drift. The GCEB was packed full of business bras all a titter on their laptops, so I fitted right in while I tittered away on twitter, as you can well imagine. They tittered at the bar. They tittered at the restaurant. They even tittered by the pool. Apparently during the holidays, the businessmen are outnumbered by the kids because this is a family friendly  institution. Which is a pity, because I prefer kids to businessmen myself. Kids are more into living-la-holiday. Businessmen – not so much.

I was treated to a Full English Breakfast on both mornings that the Queen of England would have tittered away on twitter about on twitter, you trust me on that. In addition to waves of hospitality washing over me, I also received a rental car as part of the package, along with a GPS system that I made a point of pushing to the limit. You could say I got a kick out of getting it to say, recalculating. Don’t pretend you don’t know the feeling.

Lucky for you, you can know the feeling, because kulula is offering a deal that includes:

Return flights from Jhb / Lanseria to Cape Town (inclusive of taxes)
2 nights at the Garden Court Eastern Boulevard
A full English Breakfast daily
Group J car hire with 200kms free each day
A complimentary GPS navigation unit
All of that from R2 680,00 per person sharing.

Travelicious, isn’t it? This offer is valid from 2 – 6 April 2010, and kids under 18 years eat breakfast and stay free if they’re sharing with their parents. So what are you waiting for? Click here to get putting together a little getaway for you and the kids. Or maybe just you, home-bra. Catcha on the East Side. Zefalicious.

Is it just me or is there a striking similarity between BB Luxury Suites and Disney castle? Magical.

When I got the brief for my latest top unsecret travel mission, I had just got back from Joburg and was sitting in the Spur at Cape Town International Airport, just watching the planes take off, just imagining where all those people were going, when I saw the email light on my iBerry (have managed to fuse 2 smartphones into the ultimate web communications tool which allows me to blog on-the-go) give a ding-dong. I opened it and nearly exploded with joy at my latest mission, which was to review the Bantry Bay Luxury Suites!

For those of you who don’t know Bantry Bay, where you have been all my life? I mean your life? I don’t even know where to start. Bantry Bay is like a 3-course Cape Town meal: a little city, a lot of sea and a smattering of the suburbs for dessert. Massive. There wasn’t a moment to be wasted. So I called up a cab and yelled ‘Bantry Bay brother! And if you make it extra speedy I’ll throw in some small talk to make it worth your while!’

Needless to say the driver hotwheeled it through the city and over the mountain to the Atlantic Seaboard, where he over-indulged my special request of pulling up to the Luxury Suites while playing that song from the Godfather. You know the one. The dramatic one. Der ner ner ner. I let him keep the CD, because life is too short to not give away classic movie soundtracks to strangers.

Let me just say of the suites, this is not where you take the lady you are half-dating from the sports club and her smoking habit. This is where you take the Lady Diana of Your Dreams Who Works Hard For Her Money And Has Quit Smoking Because It Is No Longer Fashionable. This is a place for professionals with a taste for le life, if you catch my drifting words. Shew-whee, did I have fun living it up in the heart of the Platinum Mile (Cape Town’s sexy stretch of seaside property). But it wasn’t so shwanky that I didn’t feel nicely tended to in the way that has made the recent trend of Boutique Hotels a trend. It’s got a nice balance going. Not too big so you’re anonymous, not too small so the granny who runs it leaves a note saying she got the strange stains out of your dirty underwear. To take advantage of this and other delicious deals click here.